o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i may or may not be watching the land before time
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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