Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
