Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
