just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
