that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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