Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
