roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
