I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
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