I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
