I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
