you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
