i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
