I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
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girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
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he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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