i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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