I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
