How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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