My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
