I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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