Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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