I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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