Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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