apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I had to cum in my sink.
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