I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Randomize
