Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
