the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
