I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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