I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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