We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
