he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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