dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
