Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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