I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
