If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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