Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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