So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
