hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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