textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
the liver wants what the liver wants
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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