Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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