drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
