When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
