it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
