I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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