dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
