I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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