Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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