May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
