The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
