i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Less talking, more tequila
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
