I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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