I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize