If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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