I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
