the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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