My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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