Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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