I'm so fucking centered right now
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
