mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
