Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
