I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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