Pregnant stripper...not hot.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
